I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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