I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
