Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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