my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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