First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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