Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
