How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
