I wish my penis had an off switch
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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