Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
