I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
