If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Acid is not a monday night drug
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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