omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
