I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
