Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
