Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
