The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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