Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
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