I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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