I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
