omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
