new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
