You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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