so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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