I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
