Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
