"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
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I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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