Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
