I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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