Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
