I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize