Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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