He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Ladies don't puke and tell
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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