I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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