This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
