Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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