2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
