I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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