Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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