I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
