I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
