I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
