i think i have two assholes
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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