I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.