On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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