please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
