If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
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Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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