Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Vodka?
Forever.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
