The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He better not be in your backpack
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
