My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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