Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
