remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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