she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
