I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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